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| "I don't know about your brain / Mine is really bossy..." -- Laurie Anderson, "Baby Doll" |
A thing I wrote in late 2020: “When I sit down to write, I feel overwhelmed. That is nothing new. Always I feel overwhelmed by the size and complexity of the tasks, and by how thin and feeble my vocabulary feels against the roaring of everything that needs to be said. Now, I also feel completely swamped by the dismaying rush of outward events, these preposterous and dystopian realities that threaten to capsize anything I try to imagine.”
What I did do was join a writing workshop. I used birthday money from the moms (i.e., money that should not go toward groceries or the phone bill) to enroll in a Barrelhouse online workshop for Jan/Feb 2021. This was a very good thing that I did. I needed deadlines!
The workshop itself felt ... good, but a tad anticlimactic? It didn't end with any concluding lecture or summative feedback from the instructor. In fact, I never heard the instructor's voice -- we did everything asynchronously, via a message board.
I learned that my critiquing of other students' work was helpful as a way to shape my own editing gaze toward my own work -- things I kept stressing in my feedback to the others were things I should be keeping an eye on myself. But I'm not always sure that is a good muscle for me to build. I have, in the past, been so exhaustingly hypercritical toward my own attempts that I strangled them in their infancy.
Out of eleven students, four of us agreed that we were interested in continuing to exchange work and give each other feedback. One of those three has not replied to emails, but the other two have, so I am hoping we can develop into a tiny little writing group.
The having of deadlines -- a structure of OUTSIDE accountability -- is the biggest thing I need to retain. I just re-listened to the "Lady HD" episode of The Dildorks, and I could strongly relate to all the tips regarding what does & doesn't give us a hit of dopamine. I hate thinking about my brain in that way; it makes me feel like I am still being an addict, even though we all have endorphins and they are part of how everyone's brains and bodies work.
ADHD seems to affect people of all genders at roughly the same rates, but it is three times more likely to be screened for in boys than in girls. Early clinical trials, in the 1970s, were all done on young white boys. Rachael Rose (reporting in the Dildorks podcast) found an article praising some doctor for being the first to look at how ADHD presents in girls -- in 2003.
Yeah... I was a girl in the 1970s, and in 2003 I was a struggling, self-loathing, depressed and alcoholic not-writer. I tried Prozac in early 2004 and it was not for me (because, I think, my depression was a result of the alcoholism and the ADHD. And mononormativity, but that's a different blog post...)
I need external structures and reward systems. For decades I regarded that as a weakness to overcome (while endlessly failing to overcome it), instead of as Just How My Brain Works. Now I am trying to be kind to myself, and that includes letting myself rely on structures when they are helpful.
Sure, maybe [Famous Dead Male Writer] never kept a calendar, but wasn't he also... probably an asshole? Didn't he, probably, use the Johnny Cash Method?
Johnny Cash: June, that stuff will just work itself out.
June Carter: No, it does not work itself out. People work it out for you and you think it works itself out.
(quote from "Walk the Line," via imdb)
I mentioned to a friend that I am a better driver now than I used to be, perhaps (I said) because I got the opportunity to do a lot of highway driving earlier in the pandemic, when the roads were so empty… She pointed out that it was also my first year on Adderall.
Oh yeah! I started on Adderall right before the lockdown. I'm incredibly fortunate that even when I have little or no paid labor (still waiting for vaccine eligibility), I have health care coverage, through my lovely nesting partner's dayjob. My therapist referred me to a psychiatric nurse practitioner who specializes in ADHD and related brainstuff, and we have met once in person and a few more times over video.
Instead of a list of things I am doing to work with instead of against my brain (1. Make lists. 2. Actually look at the lists...), here is a list I am still in the progress of making of Aspects of (my) ADHD that can be viewed as strengths:
--Bursts of energy, enthusiasm
--Lots of ideas!
--Troubleshooting / good at optimizing (due to my inability to NOT see every step/detail separately)
--Puns (I'm sure this is somehow related)
--Wide attentiveness – the “night watchman” flicker of noticing things outside one’s focus (ha, but then when I do manage to focus, I’m apparently VERY oblivious…) (OK, I said this list was a work in progress!)
P.S. as long as I'm quoting Laurie Anderson, check out her ongoing series of free talks/presentations via the Harvard Mahindra Humanities Center. The second (of 6) will be rebroadcast on April 7th, and I am hoping that eventually all of them will be available on their youtubery, because I really liked the first one.
