existential [hold the] malaise

why blog?

why do anything? no, don't go down that rabbithole; Cthulhu waits at the bottom.

but really, why blog?

- to feel less alone

as a sober, polyamorous, kinky, bisexual, feminist, atheist, perimenopausal woman in a patriarchal, Xian, hypocritically puritanical, unhinged capitalist culture -- a mainstream whose values are destructive, judgmental, and often hateful, with goals that are antithetical to my own.

- to share my own experiences

and hopefully hear from other people who have had similar (or different) experiences. Please comment! Let me know if I should read your blog and follow you on twitter.

- to remind myself of things I need to keep in mind.

Today is mostly about that last one. (So yes, I am talking to myself. Unless y'all comment, I won't know anyone else is reading this anyway!)

I need to remember what I said up above: I live immersed in a hostile culture of patriarchal capitalism that profits from my being unhappy and ineffectual. I need to renew my own confidence in my alternate path.

I love being sober. I love following an intuitive eating approach (anti-diet, anti-"beauty industrial complex"). I love being queer. I love strong, brave women and nonbinary people, and I love my empathetic, feminist male partners. I love knowing that humans are made of star-stuff and the body & mind are inextricable.

I live in a beautiful, vital community with easy access to art and music and books, as well as excellent parks and great trees. We can eat fruit in midwinter and fly across oceans and sext each other instantaneously. This is all amazing, wonderful stuff. I often forget how amazing and wonderful it is.

I tend towards ADHD, towards inattention, distraction, and clutter. I need to remind myself to tidy up, to make useful lists, to break projects into feasible smaller pieces. And I need to get exercise and also get rest, so I can think clearly. I probably need to take a big break from the interwebs right after I finish this haphazard little blog post. I will write something else. I keep circling back to the things that matter to me.

I write to remind myself of things I need to keep in mind, and I post online because maybe they will resonate with someone else out there. That's enough, for now.