qotd, queer femme invisibility, and the joy of an undercut in DC summertime [DRAFT, not finished yet!]

"I really don't think we need to be doing so much gatekeeping in the queer community! I think that it is hurting people so much. I know so many people who think they're not queer enough to be queer, not trans enough to be trans, not kinky enough to be kinky, and it's like: there's not a fuckin' threshold. It's a dimmer switch, it's a spectrum, and if you feel like you belong, then I think you do."

-- Kate Sloan (The Dildorks #298: Femmes 4Ever)

I went to Dark Odyssey: Fusion without my Sir for the first time in years, because he was just getting over the covid. It was not as much fun, but it was still fun! And I did a thing I'd been wanting to do for ages... (To be continued!)

 

Still working on this :-)

 I saw an ad for a new (remake) horror movie and said, "I don't even know what *I* did last summer."

This summer, vaccinated and covid-tested, I did go to Dark Odyssey Summer Camp, and that was fantastic. We stayed outdoors 99% of the time and fixed all our own meals by our campsite. And only played with each other. But we got to see and greet and hug and chat with other people. So many lovely kinksters! I have missed that so much!

While busy making other plans...

 Yes, so... asserting that I'm going to post MORE frequently works about as well for me as when I post on social media that I'm definitely, for sure this time, taking a longer break from social media.

I don't know about your brain...

I might be going to post here more regularly than I have been.

(I announce new blog posts on Twitter, but if there IS anyone out there & you would like to receive an email instead, please comment / email me, and I’ll make that happen!)

"I don't know about your brain / Mine is really bossy..."
-- Laurie Anderson, "Baby Doll"

A thing I wrote in late 2020: “When I sit down to write, I feel overwhelmed. That is nothing new. Always I feel overwhelmed by the size and complexity of the tasks, and by how thin and feeble my vocabulary feels against the roaring of everything that needs to be said. Now, I also feel completely swamped by the dismaying rush of outward events, these preposterous and dystopian realities that threaten to capsize anything I try to imagine.”

What I did do was join a writing workshop. I used birthday money from the moms (i.e., money that should not go toward groceries or the phone bill) to enroll in a Barrelhouse online workshop for Jan/Feb 2021. This was a very good thing that I did. I needed deadlines!

The workshop itself felt ... good, but a tad anticlimactic? It didn't end with any concluding lecture or summative feedback from the instructor. In fact, I never heard the instructor's voice -- we did everything asynchronously, via a message board.

I learned that my critiquing of other students' work was helpful as a way to shape my own editing gaze toward my own work -- things I kept stressing in my feedback to the others were things I should be keeping an eye on myself. But I'm not always sure that is a good muscle for me to build. I have, in the past, been so exhaustingly hypercritical toward my own attempts that I strangled them in their infancy.

Out of eleven students, four of us agreed that we were interested in continuing to exchange work and give each other feedback. One of those three has not replied to emails, but the other two have, so I am hoping we can develop into a tiny little writing group.

The having of deadlines -- a structure of OUTSIDE accountability -- is the biggest thing I need to retain. I just re-listened to the "Lady HD" episode of The Dildorks, and I could strongly relate to all the tips regarding what does & doesn't give us a hit of dopamine. I hate thinking about my brain in that way; it makes me feel like I am still being an addict, even though we all have endorphins and they are part of how everyone's brains and bodies work.

ADHD seems to affect people of all genders at roughly the same rates, but it is three times more likely to be screened for in boys than in girls. Early clinical trials, in the 1970s, were all done on young white boys. Rachael Rose (reporting in the Dildorks podcast) found an article praising some doctor for being the first to look at how ADHD presents in girls -- in 2003.

Yeah... I was a girl in the 1970s, and in 2003 I was a struggling, self-loathing, depressed and alcoholic not-writer. I tried Prozac in early 2004 and it was not for me (because, I think, my depression was a result of the alcoholism and the ADHD. And mononormativity, but that's a different blog post...)

I need external structures and reward systems. For decades I regarded that as a weakness to overcome (while endlessly failing to overcome it), instead of as Just How My Brain Works. Now I am trying to be kind to myself, and that includes letting myself rely on structures when they are helpful.

Sure, maybe [Famous Dead Male Writer] never kept a calendar, but wasn't he also... probably an asshole? Didn't he, probably, use the Johnny Cash Method?

Johnny Cash: June, that stuff will just work itself out.

June Carter: No, it does not work itself out. People work it out for you and you think it works itself out.

(quote from "Walk the Line," via imdb)

I mentioned to a friend that I am a better driver now than I used to be, perhaps (I said) because I got the opportunity to do a lot of highway driving earlier in the pandemic, when the roads were so empty… She pointed out that it was also my first year on Adderall.

Oh yeah! I started on Adderall right before the lockdown. I'm incredibly fortunate that even when I have little or no paid labor (still waiting for vaccine eligibility), I have health care coverage, through my lovely nesting partner's dayjob. My therapist referred me to a psychiatric nurse practitioner who specializes in ADHD and related brainstuff, and we have met once in person and a few more times over video. 

Instead of a list of things I am doing to work with instead of against my brain (1. Make lists. 2. Actually look at the lists...), here is a list I am still in the progress of making of Aspects of (my) ADHD that can be viewed as strengths: 

--Bursts of energy, enthusiasm 

--Lots of ideas! 

--Troubleshooting / good at optimizing (due to my inability to NOT see every step/detail separately)

--Puns (I'm sure this is somehow related) 

--Wide attentiveness – the “night watchman” flicker of noticing things outside one’s focus (ha, but then when I do manage to focus, I’m apparently VERY oblivious…)  (OK, I said this list was a work in progress!)

P.S. as long as I'm quoting Laurie Anderson, check out her ongoing series of free talks/presentations via the Harvard Mahindra Humanities Center. The second (of 6) will be rebroadcast on April 7th, and I am hoping that eventually all of them will be available on their youtubery, because I really liked the first one.

That Weird Adult Party, the Hotel Thing…

Content note: This is one of the sex/kink/bdsm posts -- anyone who doesn’t want to read about that stuff, you can skip this whole post!

Let the Wild Rumpus start!

climacteric

"The sound of gunfire off in the distance, I'm getting used to it now." (Talking Heads) 

1/6/21 is one of those perpendicular marks on a timeline. Nothing feels quite the same after it as before it.

(Both the 2016 election and the coronavirus pandemic felt that way to me too... but now?)

The hate-people are in my city. They stand out, ironically, because they won't wear masks. They came for the Congress, and now they are regrouping & gloating & plotting for Jan. 17-20. Oh, probably some of them plan to stay for January 21st (the anniversary of Roe v. Wade) too, although the "March for Life" isn't until the 29th. Maybe they didn't want their "pro-life" and violent, armed, potentially murderous elements to get confused (or they just want to go home and change costumes in between).

I wrote this as the beginnings of a blog post, and then it sat in my drafts for a week. Posting it anyway even though I have nothing more yet.

Doing something inefficiently is still doing the thing.

 

Starfish Time: My friend (Irreverent Rhyme) told me about this. Starfish were thought to be relatively inactive, until someone started filming them in time-lapse, and then it turned out that they were traveling and foraging and even fighting -- just  v e e e r y   s l o w l y . . . 

This blog post has been sitting in draft form for weeks, if that gives you an idea of why I liked this notion. Starfish *do* get things done, but on their own schedules.

Well, I am a little restless about my own lack of momentum, so I did register for an online writing workshop for Jan.-Feb. I will benefit from having deadlines and accountability, as well as the feedback and literary interaction.

I might start using this blog as a place to play with smaller pieces of the memoir project, but I also might not. I am not sure what its uses are for me, yet.

The pandemic is worse in the U.S. than ever, thanks to rampant antiintellectualism and the amoral conmen in power. Vaccines probably won't be available for us nonessential folks until May or June. I'm practicing my socially distanced yoga, making tiny starfish steps in my writing projects, and trying to grow herbs indoors. Basil and thyme are happy; mint and parsley, nonplussed; cilantro might end up being a waste of coriander seeds, but it's fun to watch the tiny sprouts struggle up from their bit of earth.

Quote of the Day: From one of the Yoga Heights classes on youtube... 

"You're not here to punish yourself, you're here to explore how to open your body, and that tends to happen easier when you're nice to it." -- Becky Paris

(Or as my therapist used to say -- "Don't beat yourself up; that's your Domme's job.")

Vote, but also Plan

So now it's pandemic autumn in these fucked-up, disunited states. Voting is underway, and I hope anyone reading this has already voted to throw out the incredibly corrupt, misogynistic, racist, anti-environment, antidemocratic, disgusting, criminal TrumpPence administration. Yeah!

Phased Dread

A lone car was paused at the merge point where they should have been speeding up to join Interstate 95, in the tangle of Baltimore on-ramps just north of the tunnel. They had stopped because a pair of Canada geese were walking across the highway.

That was my first trip out of town during the pandemic, in April.

Vanquishing Little Monsters

Content Note: discusses exercise, covid stress, and bug extermination.

I killed a monster! It was an epic battle. Yesterday morning I came downstairs, opened the top of my coffeemaker, and a live cockroach was perched on the rim of the water reservoir. When I pursued the fiendish beast, it hid inside and clung to the plastic wall – sheltering in place even as I vigorously shook the whole coffee machine upside-down. I eventually dislodged the little monster with a spoon and crushed its horrible prehistoric body with a paper towel.

Then I cleaned EVERYTHING.

This should be good for my stress level.

getting creative while staying in

Pet Space (2018)

This year's Woodhull Sexual Freedom Summit is cancelled. It was set for early August, but as they wisely point out:

"There is no way to know where we’ll be as a nation in August. But what we do know is that for many Summit attendees, a week, even a day, without income is often catastrophic. People will have used up personal time from work, and some will have had to shelter in place with no income at all. Already negatively impacted by FOSTA, many sex workers are now without any income or access to community resources. Our ability to fundraise for much-needed scholarships is limited right now, as our communities give their time, talents, and treasures to mutual aid in this crisis. Given the circumstances, the individuals who will benefit the most from the Summit programming will be least likely to be able to attend."

(Ricci Joy Levy, President/CEO, Woodhull Foundation) 

Dexys Midlife Bummers

At age 51, I have started taking speed. Adderall XR, prescribed for my ADHD (combined, but mostly the inattentive type, what used to be called ADD).
Just before going on the meds, I was anxious and unhappy. I was scared about what they might do if they didn’t work for me – I have a family member with bipolar disorder/what if the speed triggered a manic episode in me? And I was glum about what it means if they DO work – that I should have been on them years, decades ago – all that time I wasted, failing to get my shit together to do the things (write the books) I wanted to.

I was on kind of a shitty roller-coaster ride this week, and I hate roller-coasters.

My blog post is late because I wanted to write about the Strange Adult Hotel Event, and it's a very big topic for me & I have no idea how to begin, especially if some of my hypothetical readers have never heard anything about such SAHEs at all. So, it is still brewing.

DirtySober + Title TK (or, What About the BOOK?)

Hey, weren't you writing a memoir?

Yes! A memoir about getting sober without AA, and finding my way as a kinky feminist, and becoming openly polyamorous without losing my monogamous partner. Not in that order... the narratives intertwine.

Off Week: Mocktails and Dreams

...and the bloodroots grew insolent in their chromatic perversion...

I'm planning biweekly bloggerel, but last night I had a drinking dream, and also I have a new favorite mocktail:

The Subtlety
Glass of ice
Fill halfway with grapefruit juice
Add several dashes of (Fee Bros. NA) rhubarb bitters
Top with tonic water.

My current supply is pink grapefruit juice, which might partly explain my dreaming a weird fuschia* mango drink and a tipsy friend who was trying to get me to share it. Good Dream Girl: I took one sip and could taste the booze immediately, and set it down. (Then I tried to convince mr.d to drink it, even though it was a disgusting sweet "girly" drink... But at least Dream-Me stopped drinking it!)


*The Color Out Of Space! I enjoyed the new Nic Cage movie based on the Lovecraft story, but I was a tiny bit disappointed that the indescribable alien color was, pretty much, fuschia. They did play around with trippy tertiary tints and it was a fun watch overall, but I don't know, I wanted my eyes to hurt?

Romantic Polyamory (Death Is Elsewhere)

Recently I was having coffee with one of my oldest friends. We don’t see each other that often, but she’s known me for almost 30 years -- since before mr.d and I were a couple. Over a delicious dark roast in her chic apartment, I caught her up on the poly news: not only have I had at least one other partner for the past, um, 12 years, but for about 6 months now, mr.d has also had another partner. They are long-distance, but they’ve been getting together every month, and they text every day, and it’s all very sweet and delightful. I told her about the poly word “compersion”...

existential [hold the] malaise

why blog?

why do anything? no, don't go down that rabbithole; Cthulhu waits at the bottom.

dodo 2020 -- The Consolation

...A special freak among my beloved freaks...

I've been sober since 2013, and polyamorous for longer than that. This New Year's Eve was the first gathering where I had both of my partners as well as my lovely new metamour all in one place, all openly being us, with a group of friends who like and accept us. It was awesome.

I was also the only sober person at the gathering. (We had some guests who drink only lightly, and/or who prefer the attentions of the locally legalized herb.) My darling was the designated bartender & did keep me in delicious mocktails. We kissed at midnight and there were fireworks and everything went swimmingly. Here are my mocktail recipes and the other tactics I used:

• The Consolation: fresh mint leaves, muddled. Then add grapefruit and lime juices, opt. grapefruit bitters, and top with ice and tonic water.
• Ginger beer (I like Gosling's) with rhubarb bitters, or with a dash of lime/lemon and grapefruit bitters. The Fee Bros. bitters are non-alcoholic, even though they technically have to list alcohol on their labels because some of the ingredients are tinctured before they are made into bitters. (In the past I have quizzed them about this at some length over email. Thank you Fee Bros. customer support!)
• PJ <3: I texted a sober comrade. I had made a list a few days before the party, and although I have several extra-wonderful friends who sometimes abstain in solidarity and support, I don't have any actual sober friends in my actual city. I reached out online, and PJ responded with warm supportive texts and willingness to have me text her in the moment if things got sucky. I ended up being OK at the party and just texted her the next day to thank her; just having her out there, willing to listen and cheer me on, was really helpful.

• So much sugar! I tried all the cookies. My friend who brought boozy cake warned me before she even unwrapped it, so I did not have any inadvertent boozy cake moments. I did get into the peppermint bark, and I felt dehydrated when I woke up -- despite neither imbibing nor smoking anything -- just from all the sugar! That is OK.

Clearly, my New Year's Resolution is to form some sober friendships in my actual town. And to keep kissing all the people and eating all the cookies. Also, I have been bingeing the Dildorks podcast and Tina Horn's Why Are People Into That?! and remembering how much fun I had at the Woodhull Sexual Freedom Summit in 2018, so I'm starting up this blog in renewed earnest & will be making serious plans for Woodhull in August.

(I am thinking about how to throw a sober meetup at Woodhull, so ping me if you're into that! I sent them an email but I'm sure they are not thinking about all that quite yet. It's not until August. Tickets aren't on sale yet. But I am going! Watch this space. I'll also start using my @dirty_sober twitter account to alert folks to new posts and anything related to this blog or the memoir project.)

Cuddling my Cthulhu

In Which the Blog Suddenly Lurches Back to 2018...